Pieces of the Pie, Part III: Mental Health

When I broke up these posts, I only expected to look at nutrition and exercise. But it's become abundantly clear that my mental health plays a big part in my success, and how I manage myself along my path.

I feel like someone split in two. Half of me has these great goals, and I'm doing everything I can to achieve them. I truly feel that I'm walking the walk and not just spewing the right words. I'm eating well. I'm excersising. I feel great! I've got some life goals with plans set out in front of me...

...but I'm stuck. We`ve come up with a five-year plan, and I'm so excited by it. Unfortunately the first step is to find work within a reasonable distance from where we want to make our new home. And it's TOUGH. I've been looking and looking and looking. I've been applying and have actually had a good amount of interviews, considering that I generally compete with about 400 applicants for the types of jobs I'm looking at. That increases at this time of year when job postings become rare.

And then there's my current job. You all know very well how unhappy I am, whether you know why or not. I feel that it takes some kind of insanity to return time and time again to a place that sucks the life out of you. I catch myself thinking 'I hate my life' and remember that it's 'I hate my job'.

I've felt like I'm just not good enough more than once along this path, and it's getting harder and harder to get re-energized. Doing my exercises and eating well gives me a great sense of fulfillment, but it's short-lived.

I wish I could end this post on a good note, but I haven't the energy left to do so. And seriously, you're all my friends. I'm not going to hide what I'm going through from you.

Pieces of the Pie, Part II: Exercise (a.k.a, half eaten pie)

I split up this post because I felt that I was going to write a huge story between the three topics. So I put part two down for a couple of days, with expectations of telling you where I started, how I was doing, and what plans were for the near future. The funny thing is that I feel a bit off track already!

I guess I should begin at the beginning (good place, no?).

After about 5 weeks of good eating habits developed and weight stabilized, I felt that it was time to inject the exercise and start seeing some results. Thomas and I hit the gym two weekends ago, on a day where we had nothing else planned. That way we could go through it at our own pace and not feel rushed about getting out of there.



It was GREAT. I can't remember the last time I felt so good about working out. It re-energized the way I was looking at life and everything that's been going on.

The best part is that we kept going. Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday...exercises of varying degrees, from a neighbourhood walk to a killer home video to a couple more trips to the gym. By Saturday afternoon I was so exhausted that I couldn't formulate thoughts properly. We pushed on, making sure that our responisbilities to others didn't fall to the wayside.

And then suddenly we'd been given more responsibilities by our community. Now, getting out of a rhythm that you've barely gotten going can be a game breaker. But these responsibilities need to take priority for about 10 days or so, and then we can get back to it.

In the meantime we'll just have to squeeze our exercise in where we can and get back to the full on game as soon as possible.

Pieces of the Pie (Pi? Pye?), Part I: Nutrition.



...mmm pie :) (I kid. I actually don't miss pie that much. It was never a big thing for me.)

So it's been a while since I've updated on my physical health and nutritional well-being. And that's mostly because I was starting something new. It's a mesh of some great ideas from something called the ABS diet (it's an acronym, not an ab-focused diet), the old weight watchers, and the eventual re-incorporation of exercise (to be updated in another post).

About six weeks ago I made the decision to cut the crap out of my diet. The biggest piece of that was to quit drinking pop and eating fried potatoes of any sort. The funny thing is that cutting them out together made quitting eating both of them a lot easier. Anytime I craved a 'happy meal' in its various forms, I realized that two thirds of what was included I'm no longer eating.

I'm also including some food that I was afraid to for a long time due to their fat content - avocado and assorted nuts. Under the Weight Watcher regime, their fat content was too high and pushed the points numbers up. Because I'm not as strict with the numbers, I toss in some nuts or avocado into a big healthy salad, a sandwich, or some snacks. And I shot my fibre intake way up.

I didn't track calories or points for the first few weeks. I still ate out, just made sure that I was choosing the healthiest choice available. Sushi, salads, vegetarian burritos without the heavy stuff like refried beans.

And I didn't gain any weight. Previously, any time I didn't diligently track what I was eating, the pounds would go up in slow increments over time. At one point I stopped tracking for so long that I gained 14 lbs. I started tracking again, lost it, stopped and gained 4 lbs back. So here I was, over a six-week period with no weight gain and no tracking....

I honestly hadn't thought about tracking again. But a good friend found me on MyFitnessPal and I thought I'd do so again so that we could encourage each other. The site also makes it easier for me to track Weight Watchers style to keep me in check. After all, the only major weight loss I've ever had was on the old WW progam.

So I'm back, and I'm feeling great about what I'm doing.

Just a thought.

Strong feelings of happiness and misery at the same time has been exhausting, and in turn is allowing the misery to overtake the happiness. This bodes well for no one.

It's official.

July 18, 2011... After nearly six years of arguments spanning two relationships, I got behind the wheel of a standard car and drove to the grocery a few km away all by myself.

I know it doesn't sound like much to most, but those who have witnessed the arguments, the tears, the repeated tries and the repeated feeling of failure, will understand that it is a milestone that in the very least is blogworthy.

All that time I'd been building up this fear of how badly I will screw it up. Most of my friends know what a hang up this has been for me, though I don't know if they get why. Hell, I don't know if I truly get why.
I made the decision to do it as soon as Thomas told me he was taking his bike up to the Dojo. I'd have a few hours to accomplish what shouldn't take me more than an hour all said and done.

Choosing to do some other tasks first, I kept my brain busy and refused to psych myself out. I promised myself that I would not procrastinate beyond the window where I felt comfortable heading out and finally went into 'just do it' mode.

It wasn't daunting. I took back roads and went late enough in the evening, minimizing the amount of traffic I'd encounter. I stalled the car out about eight times, skidded and squealed into first gear, and got 'reamed out' by a bus driver after getting nervous and jumping my stop sign too soon when he had the right of way. I got to my destination, had a mini-meltdown, and continued on to run my errands.

I guess I was hoping that I'd feel accomplished, and maybe not hate it as much; neither happened. I look at the whole ordeal and don't think I ever will feel great about it. Nonetheless, I have hope that I can make this happen. I foresee it being annoying until it just isn't anymore, and when I can drive this car comfortably I'll look back on these past years wondering why it took me so long to get over it.

Trying to concentrate on the good ;)

My head is pretty crowded, and I don't feel that emptying any of it onto the keyboard is going to help me right now.

Still, I can't help but smile every time I write the date down today... because it reminds me that I'm getting married in one year.

And the main reason we're here:
Beginning Weight (April 27, 2011): 174.4 lbs
Current Weight: 168.6
Week 9 Weight Loss/Gain -2.6 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -5.8 lbs

Here we go again!

I feel like I'm telling the same sad story over and over again, but I hope you don't view it that way. I'd like you all to see it as every time I falter, I pick up and start again.

Life is busy, so busy that my head was in a spin this past weekend and I spent a bunch of it trying to just not be anxious about it. Work is horrible, school is a drag, and we had a bit of a wake up call regarding just how much we're spending on this wedding.

But through all of the above, I still want to achieve my health goals. So back on track I go.

The biggest change today is that I'm going back on the old school WW program. It's the only thing that has ever worked for me, and I was upset that I had to abandon it. Since WW won't support the old program anymore, I'll have to go off the official books.

I'm continuing to use myfitnesspal to track and am translating all the information into a spreadsheet with the old points calculation. I hope that this will give me the umph needed to really get going.

This is also the last week whereby I have so much on my plate that I can't go to the gym. I realize that I have to make time to do so, but I am stretching that time pretty thinly as it is. It's also damn hard to plan. My night is essentially written off since the transit in this city gets one nowhere fast.

Then again, something worth doing is rarely easy.