It's official.

July 18, 2011... After nearly six years of arguments spanning two relationships, I got behind the wheel of a standard car and drove to the grocery a few km away all by myself.

I know it doesn't sound like much to most, but those who have witnessed the arguments, the tears, the repeated tries and the repeated feeling of failure, will understand that it is a milestone that in the very least is blogworthy.

All that time I'd been building up this fear of how badly I will screw it up. Most of my friends know what a hang up this has been for me, though I don't know if they get why. Hell, I don't know if I truly get why.
I made the decision to do it as soon as Thomas told me he was taking his bike up to the Dojo. I'd have a few hours to accomplish what shouldn't take me more than an hour all said and done.

Choosing to do some other tasks first, I kept my brain busy and refused to psych myself out. I promised myself that I would not procrastinate beyond the window where I felt comfortable heading out and finally went into 'just do it' mode.

It wasn't daunting. I took back roads and went late enough in the evening, minimizing the amount of traffic I'd encounter. I stalled the car out about eight times, skidded and squealed into first gear, and got 'reamed out' by a bus driver after getting nervous and jumping my stop sign too soon when he had the right of way. I got to my destination, had a mini-meltdown, and continued on to run my errands.

I guess I was hoping that I'd feel accomplished, and maybe not hate it as much; neither happened. I look at the whole ordeal and don't think I ever will feel great about it. Nonetheless, I have hope that I can make this happen. I foresee it being annoying until it just isn't anymore, and when I can drive this car comfortably I'll look back on these past years wondering why it took me so long to get over it.

Trying to concentrate on the good ;)

My head is pretty crowded, and I don't feel that emptying any of it onto the keyboard is going to help me right now.

Still, I can't help but smile every time I write the date down today... because it reminds me that I'm getting married in one year.

And the main reason we're here:
Beginning Weight (April 27, 2011): 174.4 lbs
Current Weight: 168.6
Week 9 Weight Loss/Gain -2.6 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -5.8 lbs

Here we go again!

I feel like I'm telling the same sad story over and over again, but I hope you don't view it that way. I'd like you all to see it as every time I falter, I pick up and start again.

Life is busy, so busy that my head was in a spin this past weekend and I spent a bunch of it trying to just not be anxious about it. Work is horrible, school is a drag, and we had a bit of a wake up call regarding just how much we're spending on this wedding.

But through all of the above, I still want to achieve my health goals. So back on track I go.

The biggest change today is that I'm going back on the old school WW program. It's the only thing that has ever worked for me, and I was upset that I had to abandon it. Since WW won't support the old program anymore, I'll have to go off the official books.

I'm continuing to use myfitnesspal to track and am translating all the information into a spreadsheet with the old points calculation. I hope that this will give me the umph needed to really get going.

This is also the last week whereby I have so much on my plate that I can't go to the gym. I realize that I have to make time to do so, but I am stretching that time pretty thinly as it is. It's also damn hard to plan. My night is essentially written off since the transit in this city gets one nowhere fast.

Then again, something worth doing is rarely easy.

Just a little frustrated.

I've always found that in addition to having a balanced eating week, one must be extra careful on the day before their weigh-in day. Makes sense, doesn't it? After all, if you pack in a bit extra food, it's going to hang out for a little while.

Though the food I consumed on Monday was pretty healthy, my portions were too high. So I didn't expect much from my weigh-in on Tuesday. And much I didn't get: I was down 0.2 lbs for the week.

Now history has shown me that my body balances out quite quickly. So I delayed my official weigh-in by a day in hopes that a good eating day would lower that number by a little bit more.

And only a little bit I got: another 0.2 lbs. I'd really been hoping for a pound or two. After all, I'm being soooo good.

But I will remain true and post my results from Tuesday since it is my real weigh-in day. And I vow to keep working hard in hopes of better results next week.

Beginning Weight (April 26, 2011): 174.4 lbs
Current Weight: 168.6
Week 3 Weight Loss/Gain -0.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 5.8 lbs

There's a lot going on right now outside of keeping this diet, and every one of these is an excuse for why I have not made it to the gym yet.

There is no need berate me and tell me how important good exercise is to a good diet, for I know all too well. But I have some time-sensitive things going on, such as securing a wedding venue and (more importantly) getting caught up on my schoolwork.

It took me a bit longer than anticipated to pick up my school habits and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed after week three. So this week is being dedicated to catch up and I hope to be hitting the gym starting this weekend.

See you next week!

Food from a different point of view.

I quit smoking almost three and a half years ago, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever smoke again. It took a couple of tries, but I (relatively) quickly realized that the key to not smoking again is that first cigarette. As soon as you have that first cigarette, you open the door to having that second cigarette. And so on and so on.
I used to think that this philosophy could never be attributed to something like food. After all, we need to eat to survive? We can just not eat, right?

Right.

But we can choose those things that do us harm. We can cut those gateways back into failure out of our diets. And it's not easy. At least not now. But then again, neither was smoking, right? Except this last time. The last time I quit smoking, I knew it was for good. I had no desire to smoke anymore.

What's hard is that I do have the desire to eat those foods not so good for me. I love food. My coworker once said that she can handle the sweet stuff and the salty stuff, but bread is her downfall. Mine is all of it. I love the sweet stuff. I love the salty stuff. I love big hunks of fresh baked bread and all the things you can do with it. I love burgers and fried foods and everything that's bad for me.

In fact, you could say that it's an addiction in itself. Now, I don't have a clinical eating disorder, but it's not to say that I have a problem with food. Every meal is a challenge. In between meals it's a challenge to know where and when I'm really hungry or if I'm just bored or needing water.

But I'm here to try.

An old roommate used to leave fresh baked cookies in a container on the counter. And every time I walked through the kitchen I would have to see it and say no. After three or four times in a fifteen minute time span, I took the container and put it in a cupboard where I wouldn't have to see it, thereby removing the need to make the decision. Now that it's just Thomas and I, we just have to make sure that those kinds of things aren't in the house in the first place.

I went out to an Italian restaurant for dinner with my family on Saturday. I knew where we were going and I looked at their menu in advance. I tried my hardest not to change my mind on what I had set out for. I avoided even looking at the pasta and pizza sections of the menu so that I just wouldn't be tempted.

And I survived. So...the part you've all been waiting for:

Beginning Weight (April 26, 2011): 174.4 lbs
Current Weight: 168.8
Week 2 Weight Loss/Gain -2.6 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 5.6 lbs

Still working on the fitness part...but I've got a couple of people willing to be my conscience on that one, so I have a feeling it won't take long. As a side note, it took about six weeks of weight loss through diet alone before I was ready to start at the gym back in 2009 when I dropped my first 25 lbs. But I don't think it will take that long this time around ;)

It's hard to break through this point.

I've found that the hardest part of dieting is releasing old mindsets. Everytime I've started to pick this up, I've given in to old habits and just ate whatever was at hand because it was appetizing or convenient.

If I make good choices it eventually becomes easier, I think. It's been so long since I've stayed on track for more than a few days. And my body tells me that every day.

Every time I give in to those cravings, I reset the clock on being able to defeat them. In fact, a pretty good watchin-my-food week ended in an evening filled with chips, a sausage filled with processed cheese, and a hamburger I couldn't even finish (so tell me, why did I bother?).

It was the end of my week, but I didn't stay at home that night (yay election watching with friends, boo election results). So no weigh-in; I've temporarily set Tuesdays as my weigh-in day until I can figure out what is going to work best for me.

I also didn't prepare food very well for having two days away from home. As a result I ended up having more fast food for lunch. Whopper and fries...counts for 29 points (a full day's value). I didn't eat a lot otherwise, but what can you do?

I know I can do this. But even as I type this I'm craving a baked something or other.

Despite all the above, the results of my first weigh-in weren't terrible. But when you're on a diet like this, you hope to shed about 10 lbs in just 'water' weight in your first two weeks. At least I do...

Beginning Weight (April 26, 2011): 174.4 lbs
Current Weight: 171.4
Week 1 Weight Loss/Gain -3.0 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 3.0 lbs

On the fitness side, I took it a bit easy. I got my first ever pair of orthotics and was working them in. I didn't want to do too much beyond that because I needed to ensure that if I received any pain it was due to them and not sudden increase in activity.

So now that they're worked in, I hope to get back to it. No plan as of yet, but I'll figure something out :)

Starting Point

So after a week of 'Kablaam! Here's some bloggage' I've given you all the silent treatment. Truth is, I'd not spent much time in a happy place these last few weeks. And I don't want to whine about all the is bothering me, because whining won't get me anywhere.

So I slumped through it and I'm back! It helped to have three days off last week ;)

Hmm...a starting point. Well, there are a couple of things on the go right now.

1. I've started back at Weight Watchers. Even with the changes to its program, it's what I know best and and can most easily pop back into. And I need to pop back into something, or I'll start popping out of everything.

(I should note that my starting weight Tuesday morning was 174.4, because this will be the base from which I record my progress).

2. I went to the gym a couple of times over the last few weeks, and those couple of times have been more than I've done in the last few months. Still, they felt like do-it-cuz-it's-better-than-nothing trips. I had a better workout on Monday (despite pulling a muscle my back) and plan to be right back to it shortly.

3. I'm going to school! It's not a full-time dilly ticket to get me out of my unhappy place at work, but I feel it's a good step to get things in order for the long run. I'm taking a four-course certificate to acheive the status of Payroll Compliance Practitioner. I hope that it'll help me get the type of job that will run into Comp & Benefits in the long term, and there's not a payroll job out there that I can apply to without it.

Things are looking up!