July 18, 2011... After nearly six years of arguments spanning two relationships, I got behind the wheel of a standard car and drove to the grocery a few km away all by myself.
I know it doesn't sound like much to most, but those who have witnessed the arguments, the tears, the repeated tries and the repeated feeling of failure, will understand that it is a milestone that in the very least is blogworthy.
All that time I'd been building up this fear of how badly I will screw it up. Most of my friends know what a hang up this has been for me, though I don't know if they get why. Hell, I don't know if I truly get why.
I made the decision to do it as soon as Thomas told me he was taking his bike up to the Dojo. I'd have a few hours to accomplish what shouldn't take me more than an hour all said and done.
Choosing to do some other tasks first, I kept my brain busy and refused to psych myself out. I promised myself that I would not procrastinate beyond the window where I felt comfortable heading out and finally went into 'just do it' mode.
It wasn't daunting. I took back roads and went late enough in the evening, minimizing the amount of traffic I'd encounter. I stalled the car out about eight times, skidded and squealed into first gear, and got 'reamed out' by a bus driver after getting nervous and jumping my stop sign too soon when he had the right of way. I got to my destination, had a mini-meltdown, and continued on to run my errands.
I guess I was hoping that I'd feel accomplished, and maybe not hate it as much; neither happened. I look at the whole ordeal and don't think I ever will feel great about it. Nonetheless, I have hope that I can make this happen. I foresee it being annoying until it just isn't anymore, and when I can drive this car comfortably I'll look back on these past years wondering why it took me so long to get over it.
