Karate is kicking me arse.



I am LOVING karate, even though I've been flooded with so much information that it will take me a while to process and retain it. Still, I cannot tell you how awesome it feels to be in class barely scraping the barrel of what is in store for me.

Physically, I don't feel like I'm overexerting myself. Yet each time, beads of sweat form on my forehead letting me know how hard I'm working. In the days following a class my muscles feel like they want to shut down and I know that I'm using them in a way I never have before.

The other areas of fitness aren't going as well. I just don't think I have the physical aptitude (yet) to handle expending all this energy. So Karate it is for now.

I'd like to start my heavy lifting next. But since I'll be actually increasing my calorie intake for the first time in this journey, I want to make sure I do it right. I have to reread the information given along with the offered diet plan and see if I can work those meals into my lifestyle.

Sorry running, you're taking the back burner. Even though I already did week one of C25K, it's just not the season to start it up for a newbie like me. I'm not planning on dropping it altogether, but it's just the hardest piece to work into my schedule. I'll pick it the regiment in the spring (likely after we move) and in the meantime I'll just do a little bit here and there at the gym.

Whoa, wait, what? Where did the week go?

Oh yes. They were lost in a haze of exhaustion, poor eating, and wedding planning. Bloody wedding planning. It's been taking up so much of my energy. But that's a story for another day.

So unsurprisingly, I exhausted myself last week. Even as I was writing the blog detailing all I was taking on, I was worried that I was taking on too much. But let me tell you, I did not think that Karate would kick my butt as much as it did.

The classes themselves didn't seem that hard, but after class was another story; we'd get about three quarters of the way home and my brain would stop functioning. I fell asleep out almost immediately after class on Friday, and after a fantastic yoga class on Sunday, my body just shut down. I made it through work ok on Monday but was left with little energy and motivation to get out and do something at night.

On Tuesday I probably could have gotten back into it. Instead I caved and swung the other way: lazing on the couch and ordering pizza. And I paid the price. I could not fall asleep comfortably. My body was really angry at me for feeding it crap.

The rest of the week wasn't much better. With a few lunch meetings at work, and a festive celebration all day Wednesday, it was easy to give up on good eating habits. And eating crap does not give you the energy to get up and go.

But enough excuses. I fell off the wagon for five days, and I'm back at it tomorrow. I won't overdo it, and I plan on pushing forward at whatever pace I can.

I'd love to try running at lunch time, but winter running is hard without investing a LOT of money into gear. I will continue to run at the gym, but it's a lot more boring and not as easy to work into my schedule.

And I got far enough into the New Rules of Lifting for Women to realize that it's structured more on a curve. It eases you into the heavy lifting, starting you out with workouts that you're used to. This, in addition to three workouts a week vs. five, makes me feel a lot more confident that I will succeed with the program.

So, here we go (again)!

Tweaking the program along the way.

This past week brought me some little successes, but I want to ensure they continue. I'm continuing my research into heavy lifting with a book called The New Rules Of Lifting For Women by Lou Schuler and Cassandra Forsythe.

I ripped through the first half of it in a couple of days. Research, myth-busting, a ton of statistics to prove their points (but not too much, or else it would be way too hard to get through). A diet plan that mirrors the type of food I'm already eating (yay!), just asking for more of it.

More? Well, it makes sense. If you're putting your muscles through the ringer, they are going to need to be able to repair themselves. And they are going to need more than 1200 calories a day to do so. I'm not worried, for so long as I'm packing away nutrient-rich foods, I cannot be doing my body any harm.

I've just reached the part of the book that gets into physical excercises, why you are doing them, why you aren't doing the others, and the seven-stage fitness plan. Yup, seven stages. Now I haven't really gotten into the stages themselves, but I like knowing that this road is a long one. It is going to take some damn hard work to transform this body, and anyone that promises me they're going to get me there in three months isn't going to get my buy-in.

So tonight I plan on delving a bit further into how to get this process started. The three workouts per week seem a bit more acheiveable than the five workouts a week demanded by the BodyBuilding.com heavy lifting program I posted about last week.

Tripping up.

Every week I trip up (a.k.a. indulging) slightly on a day or two, and I usually trip up SERIOUSLY once a week (twice on bad weeks). I should weather this week's trip ups as I've been active nearly every day. But if I actually want to get anywhere, weathering will no longer be enough.

When it comes down to it, I'm doing better about the food I choose when I'm out. I know that once I'm regularly active, I will have more leeway with my food choices. In the meantime, I've got to take more control of what I'm putting in my body if I want to be healthy.

In the old weight watchers world, you get a certain amount of daily points depending on your weight, and an extra 35 points to use up over the week when you need. This is so you don't end up worrying too excessively about restricting every single day and not indulging ever. That said, your best losses happen when you don't dig into those weekly points. Also, more points are gained for being active.

I find that my most successful weeks come when I maintain my daily points, eat more when I'm active, using up my activity points, and don't touch my weekly points.

This week I over ate beyond my daily points by 54. FIFTY FOUR. That's absolutely unacceptable. So how am I going to weather it? In addition to my 35 weekly points, I've also gained an extra 14 points through activity. To compensate, I will go for my planned C25K run and I will have to tack on a 30-Day Shred at the end of the evening.

So I'm documenting my trip-ups in hopes that I don't make the same mistakes week after week.

Trip ups, week of Nov 22-28 

Nov 22: 7.5 points over for the day
Dinner.
Had too hefty a serving of Butternut Squash/Lentils/Walnuts, and covered it in butter to moisten it up (this would have not been so bad if I either halved my serving, or didn't add butter to it)

Post Dinner.
Was feeling down and had one whole wheat waffle with a bunch of chocolate chips on it (this is self-explanatory...bad choice)

Nov 23: 4.5 points over for the day
Dinner.
Was unprepared with food at home and ended up getting Swiss Chalet (chose healthy, but it's still Swiss Chalet)

Nov 25: 6 points over for the day
Lunch.
Went out for pho had the small serving. (I would have been full only eating half of it, but I ate the whole thing. It kept me so full that I didn't need to eat the rest of the day... also not good practice)

Nov 26: 33 points over for the day
Breakfast and post-karate snack.
Ate well to compensate for a good amount of activity (had I stayed the course I would have had a great day)

Lunch.
Had a kids cheeseburger when we stopped for my partner to eat (I could have done without and waited until I got home)

Dinner.
Took a friend out to a buffet (DANGER WILL ROBINSON! I probably didn't even count for all of what I ate, and ended up eating more than what I should in an entire day)

Nov 27: 2.5 points over for the day
Breakfast.
Went out for to a diner and the 'healthy' option was a bagel and cream cheese...ended up going with the eggs benny (didn't end up eating until I had a snack just before bed)

Late snack.
Piece of toast with half an avocado (a quarter probably would have been sufficient)

Just keeping busy.

It's not January yet, but I've set myself some goals. After all, your new year starts when YOU want it to, no? It's all about your mindset.

I'm excited to start a bunch of new activities. It may look like I'm overloading myself, but even if I achieve one of these goals I'll be happy. So I'm going to start and try my best, pushing to become a ‘me’ with more strength, confidence, focus, and endurance.

So what have I lain out on the table?

#1: Couch to 5K, or C25K as it's known in acronym format.

I'm no longer waiting for a Running Room class to start and follow a schedule. I'm going when I'm able to go, running with the music I want to hear, and being instructed by a cool iPhone app to keep me informed of my intervals. I’m starting with jogging. I’ve never been a runner, and I still have to pay good attention to the impact on my knee.

I did my first 'run' (it was mostly walking) tonight, and it felt quite easy. Then again, the program is made for people who literally are just getting off the couch; I've been slowly building my cardio up in the last little while.

Actual goal: Complete the program by the end of January. 

Follow-up goal: Find a 5k run sometime thereafter and sign up for it.  

#2: Heavy Lifting

I am shifting my weight training to more of a heavy lifting program. I received some inspiration this week from a blog post that's been making waves in the online fitness community. While I don't need to deadlift more than twice my weight, I do like the philosophy behind building dense muscle and think that I could make some real progress if I start training this way. 

I've turned to this article at bodydbuilding.com and plan to work into it slowly; making sure my form is perfected before moving into really heavy weight. Once I'm ready, I'll be doing their sample workout.

Actual goal: Spend the next little bit getting comfortable with my form.

Follow-up goal: Start phase one of the program. 

#3 Karate

I went to my second self-defense seminar at my partner's dojo. The first time I went, his Sensei said something that stuck with me: 'Not everyone needs to be a black belt, but everyone should train." This time around, I got enough of an itch that I decided not to wait any longer. I picked up my gi on Wednesday and I have my first class tomorrow.

Actual goal: Attend classes twice a week. 

Follow-up goal: Go for my yellow belt... you know, when I'm told I'm ready to do so ;) 

So yes, I'll be busy for a good while. Still, I don't think it will be too much. After all, look at me…I’m blogging on a Friday night. More importantly, I know that the only way I will achieve the changes I have desired for so long in my life is to put myself first.

Watch out, here I come.

What's this?

According to Weight Watchers (old program, that I do on my own), I had a really bad week. I overindulged at the pot luck and its leftovers on Monday and Tuesday. I overate at sushi on Saturday. And the little things that pop up over a normal week just ended up accounting for too much extra overall. I used up my 35 weekly points, used up the 13.5 activity points I gained, and still went over by another 3.5 points.

Nonetheless, I still lost weight. It was a small amount, but it was still a loss. So if I can do that while failing miserably on my eating habits, think about what I can achieve if I really set my mind to it. I'm on a great high today after a great workout yesterday, and I'm motivated to keep this feeling going.

Therefore I've set some goals for this week:
Food - Take an honest look at what I'm eating and if I'm maximizing my portions and quality of my food.
Exercise - Do yoga at least four mornings this week. Head to the gym on Tuesday & Thursday for 90 minutes. Head to the gym on Saturday for as long as I need.

Simple.

The slow road back to reality.

So, the summer has been a bit insane. So insane that it's November already. Frantic goings on pretty much until the beginning of October, including a (successful) black belt grading for my partner (YAY YAY YAY!), and new job for me (YAY YAY YAY!).

These insane summer months were followed by a big decision-making October. While most people went out and enjoyed our 30 degree weather over the Thanksgiving weekend, we mostly stayed in and tried to catch up on our lives. It was pretty sad, but we really needed to figure out where we stood and made some decisions to help us move forward.

And with those decisions tucked away, it was time to re-enter the lifestyle we want. It's amazing how coming out of downfalls can take so long. Week one of meal planning still had me eating out once or twice. In week two, I prepared all my meals, not eating out once. Nonethelss, there were a couple of pot-lucks at work and I indugled where I shouldn't have.

Today, I walked into the office and saw that someone brought in coffee and timbits. It looked like there was a homemade cake sitting out on the table as well, but I've done my best not to look too closely. Later this morning, I was offered a piece of red velvet cake layered with icing. It looked so scrumptious but I said no, and I asked my coworker if she could keep it out of sight for me. The less I have to look at something, the less I have to say no to it. Little victories!

Things have been much the same on the exercise end of things. I started out with a couple of tries at my yoga-lite program. There were a few days at the gym, too, where I just went in and said that I would just go and do. They didn't make for fantastic workouts, but I needed to just do SOMETHING.

Last night was my first regimented workout. We wrote out an activity list for me and I followed it. Next stop, picking some classes I want to attend, and deciding on a regular schedule for myself.

I know it's been a slow, uphill battle, but if doing it this way will help me succeed, then this is what I need to do.

Pieces of the Pie, Part III: Mental Health

When I broke up these posts, I only expected to look at nutrition and exercise. But it's become abundantly clear that my mental health plays a big part in my success, and how I manage myself along my path.

I feel like someone split in two. Half of me has these great goals, and I'm doing everything I can to achieve them. I truly feel that I'm walking the walk and not just spewing the right words. I'm eating well. I'm excersising. I feel great! I've got some life goals with plans set out in front of me...

...but I'm stuck. We`ve come up with a five-year plan, and I'm so excited by it. Unfortunately the first step is to find work within a reasonable distance from where we want to make our new home. And it's TOUGH. I've been looking and looking and looking. I've been applying and have actually had a good amount of interviews, considering that I generally compete with about 400 applicants for the types of jobs I'm looking at. That increases at this time of year when job postings become rare.

And then there's my current job. You all know very well how unhappy I am, whether you know why or not. I feel that it takes some kind of insanity to return time and time again to a place that sucks the life out of you. I catch myself thinking 'I hate my life' and remember that it's 'I hate my job'.

I've felt like I'm just not good enough more than once along this path, and it's getting harder and harder to get re-energized. Doing my exercises and eating well gives me a great sense of fulfillment, but it's short-lived.

I wish I could end this post on a good note, but I haven't the energy left to do so. And seriously, you're all my friends. I'm not going to hide what I'm going through from you.

Pieces of the Pie, Part II: Exercise (a.k.a, half eaten pie)

I split up this post because I felt that I was going to write a huge story between the three topics. So I put part two down for a couple of days, with expectations of telling you where I started, how I was doing, and what plans were for the near future. The funny thing is that I feel a bit off track already!

I guess I should begin at the beginning (good place, no?).

After about 5 weeks of good eating habits developed and weight stabilized, I felt that it was time to inject the exercise and start seeing some results. Thomas and I hit the gym two weekends ago, on a day where we had nothing else planned. That way we could go through it at our own pace and not feel rushed about getting out of there.



It was GREAT. I can't remember the last time I felt so good about working out. It re-energized the way I was looking at life and everything that's been going on.

The best part is that we kept going. Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday...exercises of varying degrees, from a neighbourhood walk to a killer home video to a couple more trips to the gym. By Saturday afternoon I was so exhausted that I couldn't formulate thoughts properly. We pushed on, making sure that our responisbilities to others didn't fall to the wayside.

And then suddenly we'd been given more responsibilities by our community. Now, getting out of a rhythm that you've barely gotten going can be a game breaker. But these responsibilities need to take priority for about 10 days or so, and then we can get back to it.

In the meantime we'll just have to squeeze our exercise in where we can and get back to the full on game as soon as possible.

Pieces of the Pie (Pi? Pye?), Part I: Nutrition.



...mmm pie :) (I kid. I actually don't miss pie that much. It was never a big thing for me.)

So it's been a while since I've updated on my physical health and nutritional well-being. And that's mostly because I was starting something new. It's a mesh of some great ideas from something called the ABS diet (it's an acronym, not an ab-focused diet), the old weight watchers, and the eventual re-incorporation of exercise (to be updated in another post).

About six weeks ago I made the decision to cut the crap out of my diet. The biggest piece of that was to quit drinking pop and eating fried potatoes of any sort. The funny thing is that cutting them out together made quitting eating both of them a lot easier. Anytime I craved a 'happy meal' in its various forms, I realized that two thirds of what was included I'm no longer eating.

I'm also including some food that I was afraid to for a long time due to their fat content - avocado and assorted nuts. Under the Weight Watcher regime, their fat content was too high and pushed the points numbers up. Because I'm not as strict with the numbers, I toss in some nuts or avocado into a big healthy salad, a sandwich, or some snacks. And I shot my fibre intake way up.

I didn't track calories or points for the first few weeks. I still ate out, just made sure that I was choosing the healthiest choice available. Sushi, salads, vegetarian burritos without the heavy stuff like refried beans.

And I didn't gain any weight. Previously, any time I didn't diligently track what I was eating, the pounds would go up in slow increments over time. At one point I stopped tracking for so long that I gained 14 lbs. I started tracking again, lost it, stopped and gained 4 lbs back. So here I was, over a six-week period with no weight gain and no tracking....

I honestly hadn't thought about tracking again. But a good friend found me on MyFitnessPal and I thought I'd do so again so that we could encourage each other. The site also makes it easier for me to track Weight Watchers style to keep me in check. After all, the only major weight loss I've ever had was on the old WW progam.

So I'm back, and I'm feeling great about what I'm doing.

Just a thought.

Strong feelings of happiness and misery at the same time has been exhausting, and in turn is allowing the misery to overtake the happiness. This bodes well for no one.

It's official.

July 18, 2011... After nearly six years of arguments spanning two relationships, I got behind the wheel of a standard car and drove to the grocery a few km away all by myself.

I know it doesn't sound like much to most, but those who have witnessed the arguments, the tears, the repeated tries and the repeated feeling of failure, will understand that it is a milestone that in the very least is blogworthy.

All that time I'd been building up this fear of how badly I will screw it up. Most of my friends know what a hang up this has been for me, though I don't know if they get why. Hell, I don't know if I truly get why.
I made the decision to do it as soon as Thomas told me he was taking his bike up to the Dojo. I'd have a few hours to accomplish what shouldn't take me more than an hour all said and done.

Choosing to do some other tasks first, I kept my brain busy and refused to psych myself out. I promised myself that I would not procrastinate beyond the window where I felt comfortable heading out and finally went into 'just do it' mode.

It wasn't daunting. I took back roads and went late enough in the evening, minimizing the amount of traffic I'd encounter. I stalled the car out about eight times, skidded and squealed into first gear, and got 'reamed out' by a bus driver after getting nervous and jumping my stop sign too soon when he had the right of way. I got to my destination, had a mini-meltdown, and continued on to run my errands.

I guess I was hoping that I'd feel accomplished, and maybe not hate it as much; neither happened. I look at the whole ordeal and don't think I ever will feel great about it. Nonetheless, I have hope that I can make this happen. I foresee it being annoying until it just isn't anymore, and when I can drive this car comfortably I'll look back on these past years wondering why it took me so long to get over it.

Trying to concentrate on the good ;)

My head is pretty crowded, and I don't feel that emptying any of it onto the keyboard is going to help me right now.

Still, I can't help but smile every time I write the date down today... because it reminds me that I'm getting married in one year.

And the main reason we're here:
Beginning Weight (April 27, 2011): 174.4 lbs
Current Weight: 168.6
Week 9 Weight Loss/Gain -2.6 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -5.8 lbs

Here we go again!

I feel like I'm telling the same sad story over and over again, but I hope you don't view it that way. I'd like you all to see it as every time I falter, I pick up and start again.

Life is busy, so busy that my head was in a spin this past weekend and I spent a bunch of it trying to just not be anxious about it. Work is horrible, school is a drag, and we had a bit of a wake up call regarding just how much we're spending on this wedding.

But through all of the above, I still want to achieve my health goals. So back on track I go.

The biggest change today is that I'm going back on the old school WW program. It's the only thing that has ever worked for me, and I was upset that I had to abandon it. Since WW won't support the old program anymore, I'll have to go off the official books.

I'm continuing to use myfitnesspal to track and am translating all the information into a spreadsheet with the old points calculation. I hope that this will give me the umph needed to really get going.

This is also the last week whereby I have so much on my plate that I can't go to the gym. I realize that I have to make time to do so, but I am stretching that time pretty thinly as it is. It's also damn hard to plan. My night is essentially written off since the transit in this city gets one nowhere fast.

Then again, something worth doing is rarely easy.

Just a little frustrated.

I've always found that in addition to having a balanced eating week, one must be extra careful on the day before their weigh-in day. Makes sense, doesn't it? After all, if you pack in a bit extra food, it's going to hang out for a little while.

Though the food I consumed on Monday was pretty healthy, my portions were too high. So I didn't expect much from my weigh-in on Tuesday. And much I didn't get: I was down 0.2 lbs for the week.

Now history has shown me that my body balances out quite quickly. So I delayed my official weigh-in by a day in hopes that a good eating day would lower that number by a little bit more.

And only a little bit I got: another 0.2 lbs. I'd really been hoping for a pound or two. After all, I'm being soooo good.

But I will remain true and post my results from Tuesday since it is my real weigh-in day. And I vow to keep working hard in hopes of better results next week.

Beginning Weight (April 26, 2011): 174.4 lbs
Current Weight: 168.6
Week 3 Weight Loss/Gain -0.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 5.8 lbs

There's a lot going on right now outside of keeping this diet, and every one of these is an excuse for why I have not made it to the gym yet.

There is no need berate me and tell me how important good exercise is to a good diet, for I know all too well. But I have some time-sensitive things going on, such as securing a wedding venue and (more importantly) getting caught up on my schoolwork.

It took me a bit longer than anticipated to pick up my school habits and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed after week three. So this week is being dedicated to catch up and I hope to be hitting the gym starting this weekend.

See you next week!

Food from a different point of view.

I quit smoking almost three and a half years ago, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever smoke again. It took a couple of tries, but I (relatively) quickly realized that the key to not smoking again is that first cigarette. As soon as you have that first cigarette, you open the door to having that second cigarette. And so on and so on.
I used to think that this philosophy could never be attributed to something like food. After all, we need to eat to survive? We can just not eat, right?

Right.

But we can choose those things that do us harm. We can cut those gateways back into failure out of our diets. And it's not easy. At least not now. But then again, neither was smoking, right? Except this last time. The last time I quit smoking, I knew it was for good. I had no desire to smoke anymore.

What's hard is that I do have the desire to eat those foods not so good for me. I love food. My coworker once said that she can handle the sweet stuff and the salty stuff, but bread is her downfall. Mine is all of it. I love the sweet stuff. I love the salty stuff. I love big hunks of fresh baked bread and all the things you can do with it. I love burgers and fried foods and everything that's bad for me.

In fact, you could say that it's an addiction in itself. Now, I don't have a clinical eating disorder, but it's not to say that I have a problem with food. Every meal is a challenge. In between meals it's a challenge to know where and when I'm really hungry or if I'm just bored or needing water.

But I'm here to try.

An old roommate used to leave fresh baked cookies in a container on the counter. And every time I walked through the kitchen I would have to see it and say no. After three or four times in a fifteen minute time span, I took the container and put it in a cupboard where I wouldn't have to see it, thereby removing the need to make the decision. Now that it's just Thomas and I, we just have to make sure that those kinds of things aren't in the house in the first place.

I went out to an Italian restaurant for dinner with my family on Saturday. I knew where we were going and I looked at their menu in advance. I tried my hardest not to change my mind on what I had set out for. I avoided even looking at the pasta and pizza sections of the menu so that I just wouldn't be tempted.

And I survived. So...the part you've all been waiting for:

Beginning Weight (April 26, 2011): 174.4 lbs
Current Weight: 168.8
Week 2 Weight Loss/Gain -2.6 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 5.6 lbs

Still working on the fitness part...but I've got a couple of people willing to be my conscience on that one, so I have a feeling it won't take long. As a side note, it took about six weeks of weight loss through diet alone before I was ready to start at the gym back in 2009 when I dropped my first 25 lbs. But I don't think it will take that long this time around ;)

It's hard to break through this point.

I've found that the hardest part of dieting is releasing old mindsets. Everytime I've started to pick this up, I've given in to old habits and just ate whatever was at hand because it was appetizing or convenient.

If I make good choices it eventually becomes easier, I think. It's been so long since I've stayed on track for more than a few days. And my body tells me that every day.

Every time I give in to those cravings, I reset the clock on being able to defeat them. In fact, a pretty good watchin-my-food week ended in an evening filled with chips, a sausage filled with processed cheese, and a hamburger I couldn't even finish (so tell me, why did I bother?).

It was the end of my week, but I didn't stay at home that night (yay election watching with friends, boo election results). So no weigh-in; I've temporarily set Tuesdays as my weigh-in day until I can figure out what is going to work best for me.

I also didn't prepare food very well for having two days away from home. As a result I ended up having more fast food for lunch. Whopper and fries...counts for 29 points (a full day's value). I didn't eat a lot otherwise, but what can you do?

I know I can do this. But even as I type this I'm craving a baked something or other.

Despite all the above, the results of my first weigh-in weren't terrible. But when you're on a diet like this, you hope to shed about 10 lbs in just 'water' weight in your first two weeks. At least I do...

Beginning Weight (April 26, 2011): 174.4 lbs
Current Weight: 171.4
Week 1 Weight Loss/Gain -3.0 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 3.0 lbs

On the fitness side, I took it a bit easy. I got my first ever pair of orthotics and was working them in. I didn't want to do too much beyond that because I needed to ensure that if I received any pain it was due to them and not sudden increase in activity.

So now that they're worked in, I hope to get back to it. No plan as of yet, but I'll figure something out :)

Starting Point

So after a week of 'Kablaam! Here's some bloggage' I've given you all the silent treatment. Truth is, I'd not spent much time in a happy place these last few weeks. And I don't want to whine about all the is bothering me, because whining won't get me anywhere.

So I slumped through it and I'm back! It helped to have three days off last week ;)

Hmm...a starting point. Well, there are a couple of things on the go right now.

1. I've started back at Weight Watchers. Even with the changes to its program, it's what I know best and and can most easily pop back into. And I need to pop back into something, or I'll start popping out of everything.

(I should note that my starting weight Tuesday morning was 174.4, because this will be the base from which I record my progress).

2. I went to the gym a couple of times over the last few weeks, and those couple of times have been more than I've done in the last few months. Still, they felt like do-it-cuz-it's-better-than-nothing trips. I had a better workout on Monday (despite pulling a muscle my back) and plan to be right back to it shortly.

3. I'm going to school! It's not a full-time dilly ticket to get me out of my unhappy place at work, but I feel it's a good step to get things in order for the long run. I'm taking a four-course certificate to acheive the status of Payroll Compliance Practitioner. I hope that it'll help me get the type of job that will run into Comp & Benefits in the long term, and there's not a payroll job out there that I can apply to without it.

Things are looking up!

Someone shoot me, please.

Today's blog title is brought to you by the ever decreasing desire to walk into my office and put on a happy face. The feeling of being undervalued and thought of to be useless is translating into actually feeling useless as I have very little work to do. Granted, I'm not asking for more. When you demonstrate that you feel I am not worth investing in, then you only get out of me what you ask of me.

On the education front, last week's research into schooling for a Registered Dietitian took a very quick nose dive. The requirements to apply to the regulatory college start with four years of university, followed by a one-year, highly competitive unpaid internship or a masters degree.

I was willing to sink myself into some further debt for this, but there's one big issue with the timeline: I do want to have babies at some point. If I took the schooling I'd be about 37 and $100,000 (way more than I'm willing to put forth) in debt when I'm done. And I refuse to have babies if I can't provide them a good life.

So, square one it is. I haven't given up on the job hunt. I really hope to have something in short order, but history has proven that it would be dangerous to hold my breath. And, as I find the time between that, getting my health and fitness back on track, and planning a wedding, I will try to look at other routes of education and their possible outcomes.


In the meantime, I'm having a date with a bottle of wine.

Stats, Refections & Choices

Stats & Reflections

Diet
Though I'm not tracking my food right now, I'm still sticking to weighing in Monday mornings. Monday morning sat at 170.4, which means I'm staying the course... renewed interest in physical activity should help me with some balances, but I need to make sure that I don't overeat when my appetite grows due to the exercise.

Conclusion - I need to start tracking my food STAT.

Running
March 18, Learn-to-Run class: 2.5k, 5 min ea. warm-up/cool-down, 10 1/1 intervals (total 30 min)

• Reflected upon in this older post.

March 20, Run with thomas: 2.7k, 5 min ea. warm-up/cool-down, 10 1/1 intervals (total 30 min)

• Still felt doable (these are the reflections I end up with when trying to write them over a week later)

March 25, Learn-to-Run class: 4k, 5 min ea. warm-up/cool-down, 9 2/1 intervals (total 37 min)

• The first minute of walking felt like 10 seconds - not nearly enough time to recover. But as the intervals went on, it actually seemed to get easier. Other hard parts included going up an incline for the first time and, oh yes, it being about 12 degrees colder than the previous Friday.

March 27, Run with thomas: 2.7k, 5 min warm-up untimed cool-down, 5 2/1 intervals (total approx. 20 min) - run cut short

• My knee cramped up when I tried to tie the opposite lace. My GOOD knee. But I was already having a lot of trouble long before. I felt that my pace was much slower than Friday. I don't know if it's just optics. There are many faster girls on my Friday class, but there are many slower girls, too. I run at my pace and I end up running with a few different people along the way. When I run with Thomas, I know he can go much faster. It doesn't make me feel bad, but it does make me think that I'm not going fast enough. However, it could have just as easily been the wind we faced. I felt like I had to put out a lot more effort on Sunday to do less than I did on Friday.

Choices (sigh)
I realized yesterday that I have to make a decision, and quickly.
-Registration for the Ottawa 5K is 90% full.
-It will take about three weeks once I get measured to get my orthotics made.
-In those three weeks, I should be endeavouring to run nine times.
-My knees are sore, and I don't think that I can keep up that pace - yet.

So I've made the decision to defer my clinic. I'm going to spend the next while strengthening the muscles in my legs and building a better base for running.

I guess this is the one time I really should have put it off.

Exploding with Options, Part Two

Part two: Running, its successes and roadblocks.

Since starting my first running class on March 18, I've gone for four runs; two with the group and two with Thomas. The former seems to be much easier than the latter, and there could be a plethora of reasons for it. I'll have to do a few more runs to get an honest comparison.

But there's other, bigger issues. As previously mentioned, I felt like I'd done a number on my knees coming back from Costa Rica. It was March Break and I couldn't get an appointment with my GP until the 21st. By the 17th I was feeling much better but felt that it couldn't hurt to get myself checked out.

And that's when the bad news came. My left knee, the one I dislocated five years ago, is suplexed. From what I understand, that means it's sitting out of its regular position on the outside. My GP was concerned about my running, but allowed me to get the opinion of a physiotherapist, too.

So off to physio I went. She was understanding of my desire to run and said that we can work with my legs in order to make that happen. I'll be getting orthotics, doing lots of home exercises, and listening to my body.
I've also decided to supplement massage. I went to see my therapist yesterday, and she gave me an awesome treatment that combined some accupuncture, cupping, and bodywork.

But I feel like crap today.

My right knee, the healthier one, has been giving me problems. I had to cut Sunday's run short because when I went to retie a lace, my knee spasmed when I crouched. It happened again yesterday about four hours after my treatment. The rest of the night and this morning it's felt...out of sorts.

I'm off to the physiotherapist today, and hopefully I can get an appointment soon with the person who does the orthotics. I really hope that both with contribute to a better running experience.

Exploding with Options, Part One

I feel like I have so much to convey but can't seem to get it in order... therefore I'll be throwing down a few posts this week.

So, here we go. Part one: Diet, food, and weighing in.

At one point on my Weight Watchers journey, I had gotten myself organized to the point where I was eating fairly similarly each day. It didn't bug me while I was doing it, and I did try to throw in some changes to that it wasn't identical.

But when I got off course, the idea of going back to that lifestyle was harder than I could imagine. Coupling that with the changes to the WW program and having to recalculate all that I ate left me frustrated and eating whatever the hell was around.

I'm not giving up on the program completely, I'm just taking a break and seeing what else might work for me. I've signed up for SparkPeople but haven't used it. Then I thought about cleaning out my system and starting from scratch. I'd thought about doing this ages ago, but knew that the household I was living in wouldn't be condusive to the choices I needed to make.

I've considered doing this for reasons other than weight loss. I've suffered through enough indigestion and food poisoning. I constantly feel like my body is fighting the food I'm putting in it, and I have no idea what guilty ingredients are. I originally planned on talking to friends about the over-the-counter products available and seeing if any suited me.

Then last week I was inspired by a friend's blog entry mentioning what he was planning to do to detox his system. I aspire to do the same, removing the usual suspects (alcohol, caffiene, meats of all kinds, dairy, gluten, etc) and slowly reintroducing them into my diet to see what effect they have on me. Or maybe I'll just take on this new gluten-free vegan-esque diet if it works for me, who knows? It won't be easy, considering I'll be living with a partner that very likely won't be doing the same.

Does it sound like I'm trying to explore too many options? Because that's the way it feels.

Your suggestions and feedback are welcome.

PS - these choices aren't being made right now...as we wait for Thomas's benefits to kick in, we're cleaning out the pantry and freezer before buying more food. And they're filled with beef, chicken, pasta and sauce.

What's in a name?

Well, I guess this is it. A certain friend has inspired me to continue my blogging here instead of notes posted on my facebook page. A little housekeeping here: I've moved the posts over from Facebook. I'll keep them there because I want to have access to the feedback, but I'm removing the tags so that they aren't accessible from those people's pages.

It may mean not getting as much traffic, but I've come to recognize that the privacy over there is kind of sketchy. While this may be generally more public, I feel that only those who want to come see this will, instead of stumbling onto a tag on someone else's facebook page.

It didn't take long to decide on a name for this blog. The person who inspired me to start of here came up a fantastic name for his recently-started blog, and once I thought of him, the Tao of Pooh came to mind.

Once realizing that 'Tao' roughly translates into 'path' or 'way' (thank you Wikipedia) or 'how things happen' (thank you other non-wikipedia site for verification), I knew it was appropriate for a blog about the journey I've started in order to heal a lifelong issue I've struggled with.

Now, here I am. Using the identity of a book revered by many and I haven't even read it. I promise you it will be the next one I pick up. And if any of you have a copy that they'd want to lend me, I'd appreciate it greatly...

Your feedback requested

It's funny, I haven't even posted the last journal on sparkpeople. I haven't taken the time to get use of the full extent of the site. Either way, this note isn't really about fitness or physical health...it's about mental health, and where my focus has been sitting all week. (This is also the reason there are a few more people tagged here today)

I am terribly unhappy with my job. I have been for years, but one thing or another has kept me there. The promise of possible growth, the great work life balance, the fantastic people I work with.

But there have been major changes, and those fantastic people are dropping like flies. The work life balance isn't nearly as balanced. And finally, the organization all but outright said to me yesterday that I'm not worth any investment to them.

I've been looking for work. In fact, I've been looking for a long time. The easiest transition would be to move into another role like mine. But I hate the type of work I do. So I've been looking for the kind of work I want: entry-level human resources. But the positions are few and far between. When you incorporate my limited commuting ability (pretty much either Brampton or downtown Toronto), the options are limited.
And of course, every other HR grad for the last few years plus those who have experience are all applying for all the same few postings. The last job I applied for had over 400 submissions. 400 people to compete against just to make it to the short list.

So with many applications over the last three years, I've managed to land one phone interview that didn't end up panning out. And I made it on that short list because I knew someone on the inside.

Which brings me to today. I've tinkered with the thought of going back to school for a while. The first time around, I went and took classes that were intuitive to me. I ended up hating school and just sticking through it to get the piece of paper that proved I knew what I already knew.

This time, it would be pretty foreign territory. I'm hoping to get into a nutritional studies with the end goal of becoming a Registered Dietician. I know that healthcare is not the best place to set up, but I also know that there is going to be a major shift in the next five years with a slew of retirements.

So, I ask for your feedback. If Thomas and I can make the numbers work, and ONLY if we can, do I do it? Do I get back into studies and put everything else on hold? Your opinions wanted.

March 20

In the setting up my account on SparkPeople, I was told to choose some easy to achieve goals. My motivational goal is to write three journals this week, and I feel like it may be too many. I want to say many of the same things as I did on my last note a few days ago...

Does this mean that I'm not making enough progress? Because I feel like my time is completely filled right now with making choices and following through. I constantly think about all the things on my life to-do list and how I can only manage to work on one or two at a time. This weekend it was all about getting out and being active.

On Friday I went to my first learn to run class. The goal is time, not distance, and we went out for a 5min walking warm up, 10 intervals of run for a minute/walk for a minute and a 5 minute cool down. When I got home I tracked the length of our run and we did bout 2.52k in that time. I wasn’t at the front of the pack nor was I at the back. I had a challenging run but it wasn’t anywhere close to impossible.

The best part is that I felt ready to go again this morning. Because I don’t live in the area where my group runs I won’t be running with them, but I have a more than willing running partner in Thomas. He’s so happy to have someone to run with that he doesn’t seem to mind the fact that I’m seriously slowing him down ;)

I guess that’s it for now. I’m hoping this week won’t be as hard to get through as last week was, but I’m already in a better place with these challenges I’m setting out for myself.

Next note I’ll get into the priorities I’m laying out for myself and what I’m tackling right now.

Wow, what a week.

I was about to use the term emotional roller coaster to describe my week, but I seem to remember using that term a LOT a couple of years ago when I'd swing between deep depression and amazing highs from day to day.

And maybe if I was the me I was two years ago, it would be appropriate. But this week has been pretty stable. I've had my share of heartache this week, but I can't change that. I can only affect how I handle it. Instead of dwelling in the negative, I've been keeping up with the promise myself to get on track with my nutrition and fitness.

So it's Thursday. Where are we?

Well, I did a number on my knee in Costa Rica and today is the first day I've walked around without my tensor. Instead of letting it lie, I'm checking in with my GP on Monday and seeing if she recommends any kind physio or other therapy. Tomorrow I'm going to see massage therapy guru Sarah Ritchie in Oakville and treat myself and my knee to some true massaging talent.

But I'm not letting my knee impede the fitness choices that I need to make now. I've decided that my knee is strong enough at the moment to take a bit of a beating over the next two days, and have signed up for two things. On Saturday I'm attending a four-hour self defense seminar at The Orangeville Dojo where Thomas trains. These are skills I've always looked at having and am afraid that one day I'll run into some trouble and realize that I waited too long.

The second thing I've signed up for is the Learn to Run 10 week program at the Running Room. Most classes started while I was in Costa Rica, but the Beaches store starts their class tomorrow. Its goal race is the Ottawa Race Weekend, and I think I might just head out with Larry and do my run there.

Finally, due to some inspiration I received on Sunday, I've taken a second, harder look at this site (SparkPeople) and am attempting to use it to track my nutrition and fitness goals. I'm going to be blogging from there, too.

I thought about just posting a link to the blog, but I know that things can get buried in the FB-verse quickly without tags. So I decided that if you guys still want to keep up with the Baranses, I'll copy and paste my blog posts here.

If anyone is using SparkPeople, send me a message and I'll add you into my circle of friends :)

No weigh-in, no week. Just an update.

So I've been on hiatus for a couple of weeks. I never did get going the last week before my vacation and was up 5 lbs to 174 on Monday, February 28.

This post comes without a weigh in from Sunny Costa Rica. I have no idea what my weight will be when I come home, and it doesn't really matter to me. I'm on vacation. An between lots of heat, lots of exercise, lots of fruit (mmmm papaya) and lots of beans and rice, who knows what will be?

I don't know if I'll start right back next Monday. I know I have a LOT of things to figure out and habits to recreate. and the more I throw at myself at once, the harder it will be. So upon my return, I will take some time and devise a plan. And when that plan is set in motion, you'll all be hearing from me on a regular basis. Now back to your regularly scheduled week. See you when I get back!

Monday Weigh-In, Week 18

I want to start off this week by thanking you guys. Because I don't go to Weight Watchers meetings, I find that I don't have the same accountability as a regular member.

But on weeks like this, where I have fallen completely off the rails, I know that I still have to report to you guys and face up to my actions (or inaction, as the case may be).

I'd also like to thank the few of you who are rocking Weight Watchers with me. We all have our on weeks, our off weeks, our on weeks, our off months, our on weeks, our I'm so screwed this week. It's helpful to see some of the trials and tribulations that you go through and know I'm not alone (Robyn, you'll have to extend this message to the Chubby Couple, whom I don't know but have started following their blog).

Now here's the bad news. I was selfish and lazy all week long. I'm actually writing this post on Saturday in anticipation of at least a 2 lb gain (and likely more). I have been terrible. I've eaten out almost every day (thoughts on the connection between diet and finances on this another time), and because I know I'm not writing it down, I've indulged in lots of chocolate and other desserts (damn you valentines day!), burgers, fries, bigger portions, etc. All the while I had all my staples in the fridge. Now I have to make sure they don't spoil.

I digress. I guess this post has been more of a rant. I feel like I need to berate myself, otherwise weeks like this will become the norm, and it will probably take me way less time to get close to 200 lbs than the first time I did.

So, now it's Monday and you all can colour me floored. But I'm not going to look this gift horse in the mouth. I'm starting to track again today.

Beginning Weight (October 18, 2010): 183.4 lbs
Current Weight: 169.6
Week 18 Weight Loss/Gain -0.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 13.8 lbs

Monday Weigh-In, Week 17

Yes, I realize it's Wednesday. Did you miss me? I didn't have time to write anything up Monday, but I did manage to get on the scale.

Man! Let me tell you how easy it is to get off track. I haven't looked at my tracker in a week. And when you don't watch, it makes it really hard to take the proper care in making the right choices. You indulge in what you shouldn't and way too much of it. I really lucked out on Monday's weigh-in but know that if I keep it up I'll have a big gain this week.

Beginning Weight (October 18, 2010): 183.4 lbs
Current Weight: 169.8
Week 17 Weight Loss/Gain -0.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 13.2 lbs

The next couple of days will remain hard to track but instead of waiting until Monday to reform my habits, I will try to start again on the weekend.

(By the way, let me know you don't want to continue to be tagged. No offense will be taken. I am completely assuming that if you've commented before, you want to keep up with my progress.)


And lastly, a big congratulations to my oldest friend, Kat, who gave birth to a healthy baby boy on Thursday. I hope you're sleeping ok at the times when you can!

Monday Weigh-In, Week 16

This week ended up being a big fat fail. Now, I'm not calling me a big fat fail, just the week. Between rotten-egg Tuesday, Snowpocalypse (worse than Toronto, not as bad as Hamilton) Wednesday, Hey-look-you've-got-a-cold Thursday and-it's-getting-worse Friday through Sunday, I ended up only partaking in some activity on Monday and Saturday (thought my cold was on it's way out, probably just made it worse).
  That said, it's not the end of the world. My gain was minimal, and I hope to be clear of the tired, dizziness and phlegm in the next day or so.
  Beginning Weight (October 18, 2010): 183.4 lbs
Current Weight: 170.0
Week 16 Weight Loss/Gain: +0.8 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 13.4 lbs

No big goals for me this week, just to stay on track, get better and try and muster up some energy towards the end of the week to get active.

The best news for today is that it's Jenn's birthday! Have a great East Coast celebration, my dear!

Monday Weigh-In, Week 15

My goal this week (a goal extended from last week that was not reached) was to break the 170 mark and enter the 160s. So I tracked EVERYTHING I consumed. This includes the 17 points worth of alcohol and mix that got me smashed on Saturday. I also tracked all my activity, including the 2 hours pretty much straight, 10 points, of dancing my ass off.

So, the results? Goal reached :)

Beginning Weight (October 18, 2010): 183.4 lbs
Current Weight: 169.2

Week 15 Weight Loss/Gain: -2.6 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 14.2 lbs

An additional high point for this week came yesterday. Thomas and I threw on the stretch DVD from P90X to finish off the weekend. When we got those DVDs two years ago, I needed his help to get into a shoulder stand. I struggled just to keep my legs up while the people on the video were moving into plough (impossible for me), followed by bringing their knees down around their ears. To finish off, I had to whip out of it - there way no way I could come out of it in a controlled fashion.

Well, yesterday that all changed. Shoulder stand on my own, check. Plough, check. Knees brought down around the ears, not quite to the floor, but check. Slow, controlled movement coming out of the pose, fucking check.

It was exhilarating!

Monday Weigh-In, Week 14

Since I received unexpected support last week, I'm going to start posting my weight-loss progress.

I blew a great tracking week with really awesome but not-so-good for me food on Saturday and Sunday. This resulted in a 0.2 lb loss for the week. Which, to say, is still a loss (tiny, tiny increments).

Beginning Weight (October 18, 2010): 183.4 lbs
Current Weight: 171.8
Week 14 Weight Loss/Gain: -0.2lbs
Total Weight Loss: 11.6 lbs*

*The numbers are off from last week because I decided to include my total weight loss which includes the 5lbs of water weight I lost in the first week.